Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Power of Negative Thinking

People often ask me "Blog, how is it that you've managed to maintain such a pleasant outlook on the world? How do you find that ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.?" And the answer is that I don't. On a cloudy day, I presume there will be lightning, and during a lightning storm I presume there will be an earthquake. This way unless the world blows up I am always pleasantly surprsied. Here are some more examples of the power of negative thinking:

At a baby shower - Say that you know a hilarious bit. Pretend you are a fortune teller and can see the future. Then say that the baby's future is in this bag that you brought with you. Then open the bag and pull out a baby with a nazi armband and a tattoo of Hitler. As long as the baby doesn't grow up to be a skinhead the mother will be happy. Plus you won't be invited to any more baby showers.

At a wedding - Volunteer to give the toast. Then segue into a rambling anecdote about the time you and the groom gave gonorhea to a bunch of Mexican children you met at a children's brothel. Posit that all those children are probably dead now. Then say on the bright side at least we're still alive. This doesn't really help the bride and groom feel better, but whoevers giving the next toast can only come off well by comparison.

On Christmas morning - When giving out presents to whatever children are there, say that you have a big surprise for them. Say that the big surprise is that you didn't get them anything because you hate them. Then after they cry, say that you are kidding and give them each a used heroin needle. Why a heroin needle? Because then next year when you give them nothing at all they'll say well at least it wasn't a drug ridden needle.

On your anniversary - Tell your girlfriend that you want to tell her how much she means to you but that first she needs to know something. Tell her you have been fucking her sister. When she starts to cry say that you were just joking. Then tell her you actually only beat the crap out of her sister but that you fucked her cousin. She will be quite relieved.

When on trial for manslaughter - Tell the judge that you would like to represent yourself. Say you are not guilty as you could never kill another human being. Then beat the judge within an inch of his life. Then say "see?"

So as you see, it is moments like these that has led me to be such a optimistic and content human being. If you all follow suit maybe one day you can have your own blog, although you probably never will as they are not easy to get. Also, none of you are interesting. See? Now maybe one of you will become interesting. I doubt it though.


Blogger Mano said...


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