Thursday, February 16, 2006

Oh no he didn't!

Well its been a while my loyal subjects. I have returned to bless you with picks for every heterosexual mans favorite event - The Oscars. As usual though the Academy completely fucked up its nominations and I have to show you who actually deserve these awards so here we go

Best Actor: Martin Lawrence - Big Mommas House 2. My stars! Hilarity, thy name is a fat black tranvestite. There was no greater cinematic event this year then the return of everyone's favorite crack smoking felon. And it wasn't just the laughs, Big Mommas House 2 asked deep thought provoking questions such as: What does it mean to be a woman in a mans world? and how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could fart out anal gold like this film?

Best Actress: Reese Witherspoon's chin - Walk the Line. I mean really you could open a beer with that thing

Best Supporting Actor: Penguin - March of the Penguins. Oh Penguins! How you embody the human condition! You glorious waterfowl, protecting your hideous children from frostbite, nestling them in your cozy buttocks! Some might argue that the movie spent 2 hours showing you that penguins are fucking retarded but those people are fools. And only aetheists and pedophiles are tired of Morgan Freeman narrating films.

Best Supporting Actress: Dakota Fanning - War of the Worlds. The only problem with Dakota Fanning is that shes a total cock tease.

Best Picture: The Man. What would happen if you put a nebbishy jew and a street smart black cop together and asked them to solve a mystery? Only the greatest work of art in the history of civilization It is not at all hyperbole to say that this movie is literally a 2 hour orgasm. Like not a metaphorical orgasm, but seriously bring some tissues. Samuel L. Jackson plays against type by playing an angry black guy who don't take crap from nobody. He doesn't so much shout his lines as ejaculate them. And what can u say about Eugene Levy except he lives up to and even surpasses his previous work with the Olsen twins. I think this movie will do more to benefit race relations than the emancipation proclamation.

Well there it is, after a 5 month hiatus your savior has returned. Smell the glove my friends.