Monday, February 12, 2007

Merry Misanthropy

People always ask me, Blog, your writing is all sunshine and butterflies. Why not take at least one post to talk about things that you dislike, as your jolly demeanor is really getting on my nerves. Well, here is a list of things that piss me off:

People who hate Paris Hilton – Oh do you hate her as well? Wow, you certainly have taken a bold position. Do you also hate famine and poverty? People who talk about how much they hate Paris Hilton are really just saying I take the time to think about her life and actions. In other words you are an empty headed yenta with a penchant for US Magazine. If people stopped thinking about her she would disappear, like the bogeyman or “God.” You know who you should spend your time hating? Yourself

People who do Borat impressions – "Yeshemesh!" Hahahahah. Oh my! That was the height of witticism! How about trotting out “Don’t have a cow man!” or “I’m Rick James Bitch.” Instead of doing Borat, why not try being yourself and saying “Have you seen the most recent popular movie? Because I have memorized an oft repeated line from said movie and here it is.” It’s not funny but at least you will be accurate. And the worst is when people are just talking about Borat, like “hey that part in the R.V. was pretty clever” and some lummox for no reason will simply pop out with “niiiice.” I mean when someone is talking about math do you just start yelling out numbers? God I hate you.

The growing disillusionment with George W. Bush – Well I’m glad he’s finally become unpopular. All it took was the greatest intelligence blunder in the history of America, the greatest terrorist attack on American soil ever, and 2 incredibly fucked up wars. And now people are starting to be like “hmmm, maybe voting for him twice was not the best decision.” Oh do you think so doctor? Although I must say I’m finally glad you guys are on board. It’s like you idiots kept getting in the car with the same drunken driver, because he’s a good guy who makes you giggle. Well I hope the next time he makes you giggle your car skids into a ditch.

Dane Cook – “Hi, my name is Dane Cook and I overcompensate for my awful jokes and lame impressions by doing an atrocious radio guy voice that Ryan Secreast would find hacky. Have you seen my loose limbed physical shenanigans?! Boy oh boy I really am quite the character!” If you would like to meet a fan of Dane Cook simply walk down the street with an exaggerated walk and your hair gelled up. The first 13 year old boy to think that’s hysterical is a Dane Cook fan.

Deal or No Deal – Just when I think the American public can’t possibly become any stupider along comes this bloody fart of a game show. I mean they’ve actually managed to make Wheel of Fortune seem like a Mensa examination. And yet people still manage to fuck it up! The show will literally be like “LaSheneequa, you can either have $120,000 dollars for being a lucky worthless porpoise or you can take a 6-1 shot at a suitcase with a higher number. And every fucking time they take the chance and lose. Everyone who has ever wanted to be on a game show should get ass cancer. Oh and Howie Mandel looks like a mutant who escaped from the sewer.

Mind of Mencia – If you have seen a white guy do an impression of a Mexican gang member by using the word “Esse” you have seen something funnier than Mind of Mencia. Carlos Mencia makes Tommy Chong look like Martin Luther Mexican. Are you interested in tired stereotypes, “white people be walking down the street like THIS” humor and poop jokes? Well, so is Carlos Mencia. His show manages to somehow be too sophisticated for 3rd graders while at the same time too dumb for a goat.