Friday, August 08, 2008

An Expert's Guide to Las Vegas

When planning a trip to Las Vegas it is important to get expert advice. Going to Las Vegas for the first time presents a host of challenges to navigate and sites to behold. As a man who has seen it all, from the poker room at the Bellagio, to the parking lot at the Bellagio, to the shuttle to the Bellagio. I am here to help you. Thus here is some practical advice for your trip to Las Vegas.

 1. Go to a Strip Club

There are two kinds of strip clubs in Las Vegas. One kind is ridiculously expensive, and the other has gonorrhea on the door handle. Go to the expensive one. Make sure to trade all the cash in your wallet for hilarious stripper money. Its colorful and fun, and really useful if the only thing you ever spend money on is lap dances. The strippers are all very friendly and have never met anyone as down to earth as you are. Most of the guys who come in there are creeps but you are not so you will become close friends with the all girls and start dating them immediately. Oh and make sure to help them out with their credit card debt. To not do so is considered uncouth.

 2. Walk down the Strip

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to slowly bake to death surrounded by throngs of sweaty tourists while walking on thousands of discarded hooker flyers? Then take a walk down the world famous Las Vegas Strip! Oh and remember, because of the world-class street design, walking 1/8th of a mile takes 4 hours! So don’t forget to bring water!

3. The Howard Johnson near the airport cannot support human life.

There is one cook there who makes only French Fries. That is all. Do not eat these French Fries. 

4. Take a $75 dollar cab ride one mile.

Part of Vegas' charm is it's long and windy cab lines. Gamble with your friends on how long the line will last! Or if you're actually on the cab line at all! Then ask the cab driver to take you to a hotel and see what magical and fun-filled ways the driver will use to make you spend half an hour in the car. Perhaps, he's got a tale or two to tell. And listen up, because these beloved men of the road have much wisdom to impart. But don't buy the meth they offer. That's for suckers! Ask for coke.

5. Take a ride on the indoor roller coaster.

Have you ever been on a roller coaster in an amusement park? Of course you have. Well Las Vegas has one just like it but it's inside a hotel! It's just like your favorite roller coaster from Six Flags or Disney World! Except its smaller, not fun and lasts 5 seconds. But the memories of the 3 hour wait time will last a lifetime.

6.Don't get kicked out of the food court because that one guy is being a total jerk.

What's his problem anyway? 

7. Visit the Poker Room.

Ah to be a professional poker player. Who hasn't thought of ditching their go nowhere job for a fast-paced lifestyle where you're your own boss? So, to see your future life, go check out the happy well-adjusted gentlemen populating the poker rooms of Las Vegas! Watch grown men cry when they miss their straight! Marvel at the man who has grown a full beard since he first sat down to play! Delight in the intoxicating aroma of stale Cheetos and pure desperation! Gasp at the man who can eat, fold, and sweat all at once! Just don't use the bathroom. Thats a hobo only zone!

8. Dress to Impress

When visiting Las Vegas it is imperative to make it clear where you are from. Either purchase a shirt with your state on it or make one. P.S. Texans must wear cowboy hats, Floridians must wear novelty t-shirts, and everyone else must dress in neon. 

9. Play the slots

Do the stupefying rules to blackjack have you confused and befuddled? Can you not decide on which number in roulette is luckiest? Does the very thought of poker make your head hurt? Are you capable of pushing down on a lever? Then playing the slot machines is for you! All you need is a bucket of quarters, a stool, and a dream. The dream of winning more quarters so you don't have to get up again. Ever.

10. Do not write an expert’s guide to Las Vegas

Only I am allowed to do this.