Thursday, January 10, 2013

Oscar Snubs!

Another year, another Oscar nominations’ day of Hollywood shaking their tan fists and pouting their plump lips over the well deserving films that were snubbed by the Academy. And this year is no different. Below are the most egregious Best Picture Oscar snubs of the year. 

Walks Like A Duck
Really Academy? You’re not going to nominate the true story of the first lisper to play professional sports? Sammy Styler Stipter was not only a champion soccer star but also swam the seven seas at six cisterns a second! And Kirstie Alley as the tugboat captain who saved her life? What a woman!
Sure, there were grander movies this year, movies with soaring ambitions that tried to encapsulate the messiness of life on this planet, but the story of Jiff “Beeper” Butler, the last beeper salesman in Knoxville, Tennessee, told a story that resonated in a way that Frankenweenie never could. Because when cell phones win, who loses? The answer is beepers. 
Look, I’m not going to tell you that Dimwit was a perfect film. There was rampant xenophobia throughout, and the depiction of Floridians was simply inexcusable, but the scene where Dimwit learns the power of friendship when he’s rescued from the dump by that family of hawks? Heck, forget Best Picture of the year, how about Best Moment. Ever!
The Problem with Problems
Sally Pittler doesn’t have a job, or a boyfriend, or a prayer! But what she does have is a pet sheep who can add fractions. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the film, but I know how I felt about that sheep. Good. I felt good about that sheep. And isn’t that what the Oscars should be all about? Feeling good? Because after I saw Argo I slept for thirty days and thirty nights and that didn’t feel too good at all.
Drum Hunk
What do you get the woman who has everything? A giant drum with a hunk inside. I’m not saying it should of won Best Picture, but not even a nomination? What does the Academy have against hunks? The only hunk that was nominated was Bradley Cooper and he has smallpox! Nice idol for the kids Academy!