Monday, July 31, 2006

Blogerson Forecast: Next Summer's Films

Recently I have discovered next summers lineup for all the major studios. Thus for my grateful readers I have decided to give you a taste of the glorious pablum that will be forcefed down your gizzards next summer. Enjoy.

"Woof Woof Nigga!" - In this latest Wayan's brothers comedy Marlon Wayans stars as a street smart janitor who becomes half poodle after making an unintended wish to a passing gypsy. While at first Marlon is horrified he soon decides to make the best of it by "getting all up in dat ass scent." Also starring Sean Wayans as the evil dog pound owner, Kim Wayans as a sassy sewer rat, and Keenan Ivory Wayans as an old piece of dog shit.

"The Devil Wears Old Navy" - In this sequel to the suprise summer sensation we learn that shockingly the Devil prefers Old Navy to Prada. Because of this faux pas Anne Hathaway decides to teach her boss a lesson. This leads right into 120 minutes of Anne Hathaway tearing Meryl Streep limb from limb with her teeth. But there's a charming scene in a Chinese Bordello in which Anne teaches Meryl how to kiss.

"James and the Giant Testicle" - In this sequel to the beloved children's film we learn that James has contracted testicular cancer and must have his legs amputated. A charming adventure story follows in which James and his oversized testicle must travel the globe solving crimes and impregnating women with his gigantic sperm sack. Thats pretty much it. Oh and its rated NC 17 for the scene where James is refused peaches by an old woman and he proceeds to bludgeon her to death.

"Superman Returns Again to Gay It Up a Bit" - The studios have decided to rush out this sequel because they decided that even though Superman Returns was super duper gay it just wasn't enough. Thus, in this film Superman decides he doesn't want Lois and would rather fly around in assless chaps and molest Jimmy Olson. That's pretty much the whole film. Directed by Carson Kressley.

"Hobos" - In the tradition of their smash hit "Cars" Pixar returns to the drawing board for their latest computer animated adventure. In "Hobos" we follow Rufus McGillicuty, a crack smoking transient whose life of debauchery and theivery is disrupted when he discovers a lamp that grants him three wishes. After wishing for three Hobo Bitches to accompany him he embarks on a quest to discover why he can't shit in the McDonalds on 34th St.

Well, there you have it. Clearly the studios have not run out of ideas. The real question is now, can they top the summer of 2006? And I think we all know the answer is no.