Friday, June 23, 2006

Things that I love (or if you prefer - Angry at 2am)

So everyone always tells me, Blog, you are a negative nancy, a nihlistic Ned, a noodleheaded ne'er do well (swish!). But I'm here to tell you I am none of these things. There are many things in the world that give me great joy. Here are a few things that I love:

Bouncers: Is there anything better than a complete nothing with attitude? I mean I could never be a bouncer myself, for one I can read and two I'm not an awful guido. I always love the idea that somehow they're a part of the scene at the nice bar they OPEN THE DOOR AT. I mean just cuz you wipe up the spit at Marquee doesn't make you Noah Tepperberg. And now they're shooting us! Here's some advice, next time you see a bouncer whos chatting amiably to one of his horrendous pretend door friends say hey here's a tip for you: I'll give you four American dollars if you shave off your barbed wire tattoo with a Mach 3. Then when he attempts to shoot you simply stab him in the throat with a screwdriver. Then say by the way I'm starting the no holes in their neck club and believe it or not you're not allowed in.

People chock full of stories or anecdotes about their day: Ok lets lay down some ground rules. People are not interested in your job, your boss, or the funny thing your girlfriend/boyfriend said. I know you spend all day thinking about what happened at work but nobody else fucking wants to. Also unless your name is Blog and you're half Australian your story is not funny.

People who have seen an Inconveniant Truth or have read an article about global warming recently: Wow what an interesting, thoughful person you are! You want to help save the planet? Then get your parents to sell one of your 3 SUVs and buy a bicycle you know nothing twit. Also, WE GET IT.

People who used to party in college and became old men when they graduated: If you were faking it in college admit it. Because the immediate switch to boring "adulthood" within 1 month of your 38th consecutive beer pong match is just bullshit. I can't wait for the stories about what a wildman you were in college until a month after when u got a job at Xerox and now all you do is watch American Idol with your stupid girlfriend who teaches kindergarten. Going out once a week when you're 24 is not acceptable. You have the rest of your life to compare golf scores and bank accounts. I can't wait until you look back on your early 20s and think wow, I came, I saw, I went to bed at 7.

People in their mid 20s who "love their job!": Heres the thing, if you love your job as an entry level employee, and don't take this the wrong way, but I hope somebody runs over your cat/dog/grandmother. Cuz you don't. There's a reason they pay you a salary and thats because it sucks. Stop trying to convince everyone with how happy you are working hard for long hours for minimal pay. I hope a goat kicks you in the ovarys and if you're a guy I hope you start an idiotic salad business.

Now some might say Blog, these aren't things you love, these are just the bitter ramblings of an insane lunatic. And to those peopleI say how dare you! These are meticulous and thought provoking observations about modern life. Also, fuck off.